Life ain't perfect!

The Pain..

2012-01-07T05:07:00.001+08:00

I cried like I never cried before.. I thought going through the same thing again would not have hit me hard.. Instead.. It hit me hard more than what I initially thought.. Probably worst of the worst kind..

I never wanted to gave up on you my lil bro.. Never had I thought it would end this way.. I wanted to fight it all the way.. But you choose not too.. You find me a pain.. You find me that I tire you down.. That made me real sad.. I am disappointed with myself.. How on earth could I do that to someone whom I care and love?? Someone whom I value more than my own life..

I tried to convince myself that you would not leave me.. But you choose too.. What more can I say or do?? You used to beg me to stay and hold on to yaaa.. But now you letting it go just like that.. Reason is that you are way too tired of me.. How unfair and harsh could you be??

Since things has come to this way.. There nothing more that I could do.. All I can say.. I gave up on everything.. Friendship.. Trust.. Love.. Kindness.. Everything.. You made me realise changing for the better would not lead me to happiness.. Instead it brought me greater pain and how painful life is.. Thanks for opening my eyes..

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Sad isn't it?

2011-12-25T01:30:00.001+08:00

Hey! Sorry for not updating..

NS life been tiring for me.. But it was fun though.. I am able to find out my limit.. I did not know that I was able to do things which I never knew I could accomplish.. It was fun!! Exciting at times.. But I do not kind of like some of my platoon members.. Damn.. But hey.. Im left wif 6 weeks more!! Then I am off to my vocation!! Woots!!

Book out at 4.30pm on friday due to our company excellent performance.. Wanted to call Sisqa and Mirul but I can't as my phone line had been cut off.. Haizzz..

Reached home.. I bathed for like an hour.. Hahas.. I swear I love hot bath man!! Love it siaa.. After that called Sisqa to ask her if she is working of she had any plans.. But she worked in the night shift till closing.. Sisqa told me to call Mirul.. She told me to hang out with him at town after that we could catch the last movie and went home together by first train in the morning.. And yeahh.. We did that.. What more.. I surprised Sisqa with eclairs and she was really happy!! Hahas.. That made me happy..

After all that we went home.. Mirul and me we went off to catch a breakfast at Mcdonalds.. Somehow.. I could sense that his girlfriend is not kind of happy me meeting him.. Sad right??

As usual.. We hung around a lil bit more.. I am not sure why lil bro teared up when he said he misses me and love me.. But somehow.. I wanted to say something but I was caught up with my feelings myself..

Saturday was kind of sucks.. I was not able to sleep much and spent the entire day at home.. Sucks right.. Haizzz.. Many who promises me that wants to hang out with me on Saturday cancelled all the plans.. That was alright when I thought of meeting lil bro.. He was kind of not willing though.. Then he could even tell me to go hang out with my camp mates?? What was that suppose to mean siaa.. Does he not get it that I wanted to spend my time with him?? That I would rather be with my love ones rather than my camp mates.. But since he wishes me to be with my camp mates.. Might as well I just do it right?? That is the best way prolly.. Haizzz..

What a sad sad day for me.. What a boring Saturday!!

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Going NS soon!

2011-12-12T08:41:00.001+08:00

Hey!! Spent my last few days of freedom before going NS with my little brother.. Appreciate what he had done for me.. Thanks alot broo..

By rights.. Ilaa, Sisqa and Mirul were supposed to sleep-over at my crib but things does not turn out as expected..

Sisqa was having problemswith her daily life while Ilaa is having some relationship problems.. Both seems not doing soo well.. I worried for them.. Once I started my NS journey.. I wont have much free time as I have now.. That is what Im worried for them.. I really hoped things would be better for them..

Many things run through my minds.. I got this thinking that many would be real happy without me in their life.. Ilaa would not gone through what she is going through now if she had not met me.. Sisqa would not feel attached to the workplace she working at if I had not talk her about working at there.. She would not feel stressed up.. I really feel blamed by what happened to their life..

I really hoped NS life would be better for me.. So I would not be disturbing their life anymore.. It really pain me seeing them being this way..

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Tears keep rolling..

2011-12-08T05:37:00.001+08:00

Big broo.. Ive been crying from 1am till now.. I just got no one to talk to.. Can you just come back or maybe write some comments here??

You know big bro.. I was really really very very excited when that boy actually told me he wants to hang out with me.. I woke up extra early just to clean the house.. You know how much I hate house chores but I did it.. Knowing that boy is coming.. Mum asked me to accompany her to buy some things.. But I told her with a wide smile.. No.. Coz I be going out and be back at night.. She was kind of sad even though she did not say anything.. Then when she got back home at night.. She scolded me.. She said I was just plain lazy to follow her and help her carry the stuffs.. She thought that I just wanted to stay at home the whole day and rot to death.. Mum was furious mad.. We argued..

Then.. Akii called me to ask me if I wanted to slack at town.. I said no.. Then.. He called me again if I wanted to go to JB.. I said no again.. Cause I wanted to spend the time with that boy..

Time and time again.. The boy never fails to dampen my spirit.. He never fails to hurt me.. Never fails to disappoint me.. How sweet of him.. Big broo.. I really not sure how long more could I stand his attitude and such..

Big bro.. Do you think he would call me up and talk to me?? I know he would not.. Cause he do not dare to do it.. I am afraid of losing him.. But I am even afraid of him hurting me.. What more I am afraid is me going up to him and punch him real hard.. Big broo.. Tell me what I am suppose to do??

I love my lil bro so much.. Just the way I love you big broo.. Is there a way for us to settle things amicably?? Is there a way out?? Guide me big broo.. Tell me.. Do it like how you used to do..

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Miss yaa big broo..

2011-12-08T01:24:00.001+08:00

The anger I had towards my lil bro.. I guessed.. It has subsidised.. And I really felt damn sad right now.. I want my big bro now!! More than ever.. Please.. I beg of you.. Let me have him back..

I know I have lil bro and sis.. But.. It does not fill up the empty space in me.. I kept missing you big bro.. The past few weeks I keep seeing you in my dreams.. I feel soo lonely right now.. How I wish you right beside me.. I wanna share with you the pains Im having right now.. I wanna complaint to you about soo many things.. I want to hear your voice and advice you would give me.. I need all that big bro.. Coz lil bro not gonna gave me those..

Big broo.. I really felt like sleeping at this playground right here.. The place where we first get to know each other.. The day I had a brother.. Someone who really cared about me..

Even having a little brother.. He is not the same as you.. He do not fucking care about me as much as you do.. He keeps playing with my heart and brain.. I kept crying because of him.. Its sucks you know big broo.. Could you just come down from wherever you are and knock some sense to him?? Please.. I hate my little brother.. Do it please??

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Slept whole day!

2011-12-07T23:20:00.001+08:00

Was suppose to chill with my lil bro today but noo.. He had plans.. Hate it whenever he suggested something and never actually tried to do it.. Fuck laaa.. This aint the first time.. Spoilt my mood throughout the day.. Damnnn..

I had a strangest dream today.. Errmm.. Somehow happy and sad as well.. Dreamt of big bro!! But then again.. I wanted to speak to him but no matter how hard I tried to speak out.. No voice could came out.. I was petrified.. I cried.. Then.. I woke up.. I cried in my sleep.. I could feel my wet cheeks and eyes.. Strange right.. Weird..

Mum went out the whole day today.. Nobody was at home.. I was alone.. Damnn!! Hmmm.. I was like expecting a message from lil broo.. Hoping that he would beep me saying he was under my block.. Wants to spend time together.. But noo..

Really I am tired of him laaa.. Fuck you lil bro.. Fuck you!! How bout you go fuck yourself with a broom or something.. Empty promises.. Ass!!

Dammit.. I wanna force myself to sleep again.. I do not wanna think about it anymore.. Fuck everything else today..

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Little Brother..

2011-12-07T06:58:00.001+08:00

Hmmm.. Ever since I took him up and regards this guy as my bro.. I happy.. Truly I am.. I am not sure about my little bro but I am happy..

I want hthis little brother of mine to know that I am indeed very happy having him.. Never have I regretted taking him up as my brother.. The fights that I said I hate him or regretted taking him up as my brother was just to spike him up.. But deep down inside.. In the name of the mighty god.. Never have I regretted..

Many seems to asked me why.. Why him of all people I knew.. I have been pondering that question myself.. Well.. Can I just say that he is the best all time favourite brother of mine?? Is it enough?? Hahas..

Well.. The reason is because.. He reminded me of my late brother.. What I meant was his features.. Sometimes.. What lil bro said was the exact words of my late bro.. I felt happy.. Somehow.. With lil bro around.. I feel complete.. I felt my big bro presence was around.. Inside.. I was smiling widely.. Hehes..

But.. Still.. The fights that we gone through.. Really break me down.. I hate the fact that I have to accept all of his attitude.. Yes.. I hate it.. But still he is my lil broo..

I miss my lil bro.. He been busy the past few days.. Its been such a long time since only both of us hang out together and be crazy.. I miss bullying you.. Hahas.. I know at times my bully was bad and at times hurting.. But.. I really hope he understand that it was the only way I could make mysslf happy and seeing him smiling each time he was bullied.. I know it sounds crazy but true..

Hahas.. Hey lil bro.. I always prayed for the best so as you would not keep hurting me.. I wish I could take all of your pains away so as you would always smile.. You know.. How much you meant alot to me?? Do you know I look upon you as my own blood brother?? Do you know that I treat you just the same as I treated big bro?? Love yaa my broo.. =))

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Im bored..

2011-12-06T17:03:00.001+08:00

Ok.. Im freakin bored right now.. Soo.. Im gonna update my blog!! Hehes..

As usual.. Shahril and Mirul came over to my house during their break.. Lepak as always.. But both seems to go home early today.. Lil bro has some work orientation thingy and Shahril needs to accompany his dad to buy an Imac.. Soo yeahh.. I really bored right now.. Can somebody entertain me please.. Hurhurr..

While lepaking with Shahril just now.. He asked me a question.. Why am I still not satisfied with things.. Then.. All I could tell him is that I dont get what I want.. All I need is pamper from people who cared about me.. I still did not get it.. That was why..

HAIZZZZZ.. Instantly it brought back memories of late bro.. Hurhurr..

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Japanese Fun!

2011-12-06T05:55:00.001+08:00

Haylowww.. Hahas.. Today.. Had a wonderful time spent with sisqa!! Was very fun indeed.. Hehes.. We accompany the Japanese girls to all over Singapore.. Ok.. Fake lor.. Not all over Singapore.. Just Little India and City Hall.. Hahas.. Best part was the communication barrier we had.. We tell them something and they say another thing.. Its like you speak english and the other person tells you in Indian language.. Something like that..

But heyy.. It was a wonderful and fun experience.. The best part was that Sisqa's mum and friend said that I looked HANDSOME!! Hehes.. Happy siol!!

After all the mini excursion around Singapore.. We went back home to Sisqa's crib.. Hehes.. The Japanese girls was tired.. They bathed and went to sleep after that.. Sisqa's mum and me we really clicked well.. We could talk and talk.. Hahas.. I admire her mum.. I respect her!! Cool mann.. Hahas..

Then.. As usual.. Sisqa and me we went on to lepak.. We talked about everything.. Yes.. EVERYTHING.. Miss talking and lepaking just the two of us.. We could really talk about everything.. Thanks lil sis for being there and spent time with me the past few days.. Really appreciate what you done.. Sincerely..

And.. I still miss big broo soo fucking much.. Seriously I do.. I want you back.. No.. I need you.. For me.. Having you is more than enough.. Maybe.. Just maybe.. That would really makes me truly happy.. I miss being pampered by you big bro.. I miss spending time just the two of us.. Haizzzz.. =((((((((((

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So what now??

2011-12-05T07:18:00.001+08:00

Hey people!! Good morning!! And its MONDAY!! Hopefully no monday blues yaww!! Hahas..

Yesterday.. Went to Rasa-rasa restaurant to celebrate Mum's birthday.. Woots.. More like an advance birthday surprise for her.. Hehes.. She was happy.. And the look on her face was priceless!! Hehes.. Ohh yeah.. Sisqa joined us.. Welcome to the family.. Hehes.. I really hope she was able to blend in with the family.. Ahaks.. As more to come sistaa.. You might just be happy.. Hehes..

Then.. After that.. All of us went back home.. Sisqa.. As usual.. Lepak at my house.. We called mummy and asked her if she was ok.. She just cried.. Again.. Because of Amir.. Haizzz.. Poor her.. I wish I could do something more for her but I just do not know what.. Hmmmm..

Ok.. Right now.. Akii and Sisqa is still sleeping on my bed.. Hahas.. And I cannot sleep.. Cause both of them are conquering my bed.. But.. Seeing them sleeping soo peaceful put a smile on my face.. They seem to be sleeping soo comfortably.. Ahaks.. Like a baby sleeping soo peacefully..

I hope lil bro when that day he slept over at my house on my bed.. He was sleeping peacefully.. But.. Sadly.. He was not.. Poor him.. I guess whenever he wants to sleep over then I would not let him.. Cause he would not be able to sleep comfortably.. I do not want him felt that he was forced to sleep over at my place..

Wahh.. I still miss big broo.. Usually.. He would be spending my last few days before NS with me.. Treat me all the good stuff.. I want him back please.. Can I?? I miss you big broo.. I really do..

OMG!! Gonna wipe this tears away lest Akii or Sisqa saw it..

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What a day!!

2011-12-04T08:43:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. Today was not exactly as what I had in mind.. Maybe cause I was not in the mood.. That is the reason prolly..

Hey.. Guess who I saw dating under my block?! I saw that fucker bitch Ijal!! Nabei!! Spoilt my mood tremendously siaaa!! I think he is dating a girl staying around my neighbourhood.. Must be!!
I went up to him.. I offered him a handshake.. That fucker really knows how to act!! "U know this guy?? Why is he offering a handshake.." Fuck!! I should have just walk away if I know that is what you gonna say to me.. Haizzz.. You really made a fool out of me.. Dammit..

Big broo.. If only you were still alive.. At least you would come to me and assure me that everything gonna be alright.. You would tell me and keep motivate me.. But noo.. You cannot do it anymore..
I thought by telling both lil bro and sis about it would make me feel better but noo.. Both seems to be busy with something.. Haizzz.. Forget it.. Might as well just keep everything to myself then bore them with my endless problems..

I just do not know why.. For the few days.. Been really missing you big broo.. I miss soo many things about you..
How you would always tell me, "Leave everything to your big bro.."
How you would always hug me tight whenever I am down..
pp
How you would always scold me and tell me what to do..
How you would always says whatever I do is right..
How you would always protect me from things..
How you would always tell me your stories and experience..
And the best part of it.. You never fail to make me smile each and everytime I meet you..
I still miss sleeping on your bed.. Under your arms.. Hugging your legs as if they were my bolsters.. When Nenek enters the room.. She would always say, "Cucu-cucu nenek manje betol.. Macam mane due beradik nie tido.." I would always smile..

Somehow.. I do not get all these anymore.. Yes.. I am sad.. But.. Maybe one fine day.. I would get it.. Maybe.. A new person would came down knocking on my door being this brother of mine.. For now.. I just stick to my lil bro and sis..
I am happy being with both of them.. But I need to get prepared if one fine day.. Both decides that they have to leave me.. I am afraid of that fateful day..
Looking at lil bro.. He do not seems to fight for me.. He seems to keep waiting and afraid of things.. He does not have guts to fight for what is rightfully his..
While lil sis seems so busy with life.. She been working and keep tiring hersslf so as she would be able to forget things.. She wants to be tired and stop thinking of her past.. Would she have time for me in the future??

But.. I am happy just being around with lil bro.. I am happy being around lil sis.. Let me ask you big bro.. Would leaving them and having you back makes me even happier like what I used to be?? Sometimes.. I really wish to take a peek on that life.. But I know its impossible..

Its sure a boring Sunday!

2011-11-27T20:02:00.000+08:00

Hey people!! Hahas..

Yesterday.. Sisqa, Akii and Mirul came down lepaking at my house.. IM HOME! Hahas.. That's what they always say.. Hmmmm.. But was not kinda of happy knowing Mirul was coming down.. Yeah.. Cause I no longer could tolerate him anymore.. Well.. The saying goes, "A rubber band could be stretched as wide as possible, but eventually it snaps and breaks." Yeah.. That is what I knid of feeling.. His my brother and I felt pressure from this prick.. How like that siaaa??

Then, when both Sisqa and Mirul went back home.. Akii and I decide to go to JB.. As Akii wants to top up his bike fuel and I want to eat and buy cigarette.. Wakakaka.. Then, reach home only.. I head to my bed.. Akii continue watching his movies.. Hahas..

Suddenly, while sleeping.. I remembered of my late bro.. Last time he used to sleep over at my house.. And he sleep like he own my bed.. Wakakaka.. His hand could fly around and his leg could just hit yaaa.. Bloodyhell!! Hehes.. Miss yaa big broo..

I do wonder would lil bro call me up and ask me out.. I'm dying soon out of boredom!! Wakakaka.. But I don't think soo.. Cause he never look for me.. He would only look for me when he has a problems.. He don't appreciate me so what the hell for would I need to right?!

I'm tired of his endless sorry's..
I'm tired of his innocent sad face..
I'm tired of always the one need to give in..
I'm tired of being the one who cares for yaa..
I'm way too tired for this..
I yearn for happiness not pain in silence..

Tell how much more longer would I need to stay up like this?? How many fake smiles should I put up everyday?? How many pains do I have to endure?? How many more of hurdles do I have to overcome??

Happy siol!

2011-11-25T04:24:00.000+08:00

Today,. Spent the whole day with Shahril.. Cause he needs my help in guiding him and teaching him in programming.. I was kind of forget on Java programming as well.. Hahas.. But as I look through the codes.. Instantly remembered most of Java stuff!! Hahas.. Cool shit!! I miss programming mann!! Hahas..

Then, at night, went lepak with Mirul.. At first, things were not the same.. We were awkward.. We did not know what to talk.. But after that, when Mirul breach on the subject and pester me to tell.. Ive got no choice but to say it..

We talked and talked for hours and finally we settled.. Was happy that everything went back to normal.. Thanks lil bro!! Take care!! =))

Happy happy day today!! Hehes..

Its my birthday!!

2011-11-24T05:52:00.000+08:00

Today.. Marked the day that I came out from my mum's vagina and was being spanked by the doctor!! Hahas.. Happy Birthday to me!! Ahaks..

I was really touched by Ilaa.. Omg!! I was sleeping peacefully and she came down before going to work!! I was smelly and have not bathe and was in my boxers!! Wtf?! She bought me a cake!! Hehes.. Dats not all.. Ive got a card and my favourite perfume!! Thanks alot Ilaa.. Really2 appreciate it loads!! Was hoping that she could stay abit longer.. But she needs to rush to work.. I feel bad but at the same time was happy.. Once again Ilaa, from the bottom of my heart.. Thanks for the birthday surprise..

Then.. I slacked with Shahril.. We went to causewaypoint to grab our lunch.. After that.. We walked around the mall looking for a gift.. I was looking for something which I could give to my lil broo.. But nothing really capture my eyes.. Hmmm.. Maybe would look around somemore.. Hahas..

At night.. Went to town.. Met up with Sisqa to accompany her watch Breaking Dawn as she needs to do test print.. Hahas.. Sisqa asked to go meet her sister and friends.. I said ok.. But I felt something was awfully not right.. But I just follow suit.. When reach her sister place.. They gave me another shock.. A cake and a birthday song with candle somemore!! Thanks Sisqa!! Love yaa many2 lahh sey!!
Then.. At the same time.. Got to meet Ilaa again.. I really owe her a hug.. I went to her and hug her.. Hahas.. Cause that is the only way I could tell her and show to her that I appreciate what she have done.. And.. Ernest bought me Magnum Double Caramel for my birthday!! Thanks Ermest!! Love yaa man!! Hahas..
Then.. After watching the movie.. We lepakz under sisqa void deck.. With her sister and Akii as well.. Had really a great day today.. But when people asked me how was today.. I really cant answer them truthfully.. I really felt that its like normal days.. Like the days way before yesterday.. Hahas..

Hmmm.. I just do not know why.. I got this feeling towards my lil bro.. No.. Not that kind of gay shit feeling bitch!! Thats way overboard.. What I meant was that.. After we fought the day before.. I tried to talk to him but it no longer felt the same?? I felt like there is a wall between us now.. Prolly because of the after effects?? I do not know.. But what I can say is that.. I no longer felt attached to him anymore.. I no longer could face him up as my broo prolly.. Maybe.. I guess.. I am indeed gonna lose him.. I am not gonna fight it anymore.. Since it was always me keep on fighting.. I am tired.. Hey lil broo.. Mind fighting for me?? Please??

Somehow I know that lil bro was not happy when I said that I could never forgive his girl.. He did not show it to me but I know he was feeling sad about it.. All he could say to himself was, "What can I do?" I am sorry lil broo.. Truly I am.. Even now.. Here I am tearing down typing all this..

I was witing for a call or message from Yus.. Kept checking my phone just to see if there is any.. But no.. Haizzz.. Sadded.. I was hoping that I would be able to celebrate or feel a lil bit of celebration with my lil broo but nahh.. He was soo busy with his girlfriemd would he have time for this stupid broo of his?? Hahas.. Its ok laa.. Dun fret Wan Shah!! Hahas..

2011-11-23T04:29:00.000+08:00

Heyy.. Its my birthday!! Hahas.. I am a happy guy today.. Why?? Cause its MY BIRTHDAY!! Hahas..

Guess what?! My birthday is actually the same day as my brother!! Cool right?! Hahas.. I really hope I would be able to celebrate his birthday.. But I doubt soo.. Cause he would be celebrating it with his girl.. Well.. Nevermind then.. But can I spend it with my broo please?? Hahas..

I was waiting for a message or a call from Yus.. Every year he would be the first to wish me.. But nahh.. He did not.. Cause he is busy serving his sentence!! Damnn..

When mum came back.. She said there are group of people under the block.. She thought it was my friends.. I trembled.. I do not know why.. Maybe its because I thought Yus would be planning it.. But.. When I went down.. They were unfamiliar faces.. Sad..

I know only big bro would do it.. He was really a good planner.. Each year.. I would never expect it.. I still remember he bought for me an AUTHENTIC Hugo Boss jeans.. Its original ok!! He had also bought me a Tommy Hilfiger backpack which he said I could use it for school.. But never had I used it for school fearing that the bag might get dirty or spoil.. Ohh yeahh.. He also bought me a gameboy catridge.. Hahas.. Cute right my big broo.. Best of all.. He would cook dishes for me and sometimes he would just order it.. Depending on his mood.. This broo of mine has a temper.. He got terrible mood swing worst then a lady!! Hahas.. That was still ok.. Got once.. He spend the whole day at home.. I was wondering why.. And I found out he actually was learning how to bake a cake!! He wanted to try baking it for me for my birthday.. But in the end.. He just bought the cake and gave up on making one.. Hahas.. I miss yaa big broo.. I miss yaa soo much..

I had a huge fight or shall I say disagreement with my lil broo.. I cried soo many times.. Hahas.. I know what you fuck gonna say.. But hey.. I am the kind of person when I love someone.. Never would I let him go.. I would let go also because I was fuckin unwillingly.. But in the end.. Everything was alright.. Instead.. Things went even better.. Love yaa lil broo..

I am not sure to work or not to work on my birthday today?? But I do not think there would be any plans.. Guess I would just go to work.. Cause I doubt anybody would come and celebrate my birthday.. Hahas.. Soo yeahh.. Im still undecided siaaa.. Ahaks.. Lets just see..

For my broo..

2011-11-21T23:19:00.000+08:00

Had a misunderstanding with my lil broo today.. But it was settled.. I'm happy for having a dearest brother like him.. Thank you Allah for letting me have him.. Indeed your way of working is unpredictable.. Nobody is perfect except for you..

But after clearing up the misunderstandings.. I realised something..

3 more days marks the death of my late bro.. It will be 6 years since you last gone.. That makes me and set me thinking.. Soo many things was running through my mind.. Like would everything be alright?? Is everything gonna be ok?? I just not sure anymore.. I kept hurting people without even realising it.. Whats worst.. I kept hurting my lil broo.. Someone who meant soo much to me.. I dun wish to lose him just like how I would lose my big bro.. Im afraid..

For that.. On the day of my late bro death anniversary.. I would walk away from every single thing which used to know me.. Yeahh.. I want to dissappear and build a new life.. I wanna be alone.. I know I could do it.. No.. I just know it.. Sorry lil bro.. Im doing this for you.. Like Ive said I would protect you.. This is the only way for me to protect yaaa..

Wonderful aint it?

2011-11-20T05:18:00.000+08:00

Had a great day today.. Spent good times with Sisqa, Shahril, Aisah and Mirul.. It was indeed fun eventhough it was only for a short while.. How I wish time would move a little bit slower.. Soo I would be able to spend more time with them..

We watched two movies.. 2359 and Immortals.. Both were great good movies.. No.. I would say it was AWESOME!! Ahaks..

While in the bus.. I was kinda of tired.. I closed my eyes and big bro.. Why does your face appeared yet again.. But this time I saw was your sad face.. What does that supposed to mean?? I cried silently in the bus when it pass by Marsiling area.. It totally reminded me of you big bro.. Again.. I wept inside bus.. Haizzzz.. When am I ever gonna forget you.. Tell me when?? Fuck you big bro.. I seriously want to forget you and just fuckin move on.. But it really hurt me alot whenever you appered in me..

Hmmm.. That was still ok.. What worst is that I coughed blood.. There was even blood on my nose.. When I bathed in the afternoon just now.. Blood drips from my nose.. Now there also blood on my shit.. What does all this supposs to mean huh?? One by one.. First was my stomach.. Now what?? Aint I better off dead?? You tell me..

So whats my plan now?

2011-10-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

Yesterday.. Had a meet up with Sisqa and Mirul.. 2 most important people in my life..

Slacked but I was felt left out.. I was not sure why but I just tried to blend in.. Maybe things have changed.. Or maybe its just me that have changed.. I don't know why but I already decide on what I shall do next..

At the very least already told my lil sis on what my plans are..

Well.. I'm moving away.. Or shall I say walking away from things.. There are couple of reasons why I should do that.. I really hope they would understand on the situation..

For so long that I dream of having my late bro back.. Even though if its not him, at the very least someone who was like him.. But.. I tried my best but things does not seems to fit in its place..

Well, I already lost my dignity and pride.. Something which I treasure very much.. What more could I lose? Losing people like Sisqa and Mirul and even Ila is sure a heart wrenching pain but what can be done? I might be selfish or mean.. But they seems so busy with their lives.. How could I add more to their never ending work and problems? Who am I anyway to them? Just a friend.. No matter how much I tried to deny that they are not just some friends, but truth, none of them do actually knows what is really going on with my life..

I really thought after searching for someone like my late bro, I could be happy once again.. But no.. Things just does not went that way.. I believed in Mirul thought that he would be able to be like my late bro.. But no.. How many times have I waited in vain for him to actually come but he did not turn up? How many times was I hurt like fuck cause of him without even him realizing it? How many more times do I have to go through the same shit over and over again? Rather than feeling that way, isn't it better that I start to walk away?

I was really happy that at the very least I could share problems to my lil sis.. But then.. I realized that she too are having problems that she needs to face.. When I already knew what are her problems.. Could I ever bring forward my part? I guess not.. Furthermore, she is way too busy with her career.. Would not want her to mess things up just because of this useless bro of her..

Finally.. My all time favorite sister.. Ila.. She one of the strong girls that I known.. When she sets things to it.. She would do her best to achieve it.. That what I admire about her.. When I'm down, would I be able to depend on her? Ever since she was with Amir.. Things just does not allow us to be like what it used to be.. Its hard for us to even just spend times together.. She busy preparing all the good things with Amir.. Do I even have the chance to at least squeeze in? Guess not..

And they keep telling me that I could depend on them.. When you see.. Even fate does not allow us.. So why bother fighting it? You never able to achieve anything at all..

For that, I have decided.. For the sake of everyone and myself.. Rather than they try to help me and make problems for themselves just because of me.. I'm willing to walk away.. Start things from scratch.. I know I wont be happy much but life do have to move on..

When the time have come.. I will be deleting Facebook, Twitter and such.. I don't wish to give anybody anymore hopes.. This time.. Im never gonna look back.. I know by walking away they would be truly happy.. That's much more important than anything else.. I'm crying here typing this.. But what else can be done? Its the same.. I'm going through the same shit as when my late bro left.. So yeah.. Would be able to handle this again.. I sure hope.. Cause I have no one now.. But I only left with this tiny hope..

The day when I showed him..

2011-09-30T21:03:00.000+08:00

Hey there people!! Hahas..

Today.. Went and meet up with my beloved sister.. Nurfa or I usually called her Ila! Hehes.. She gave me a treat!! Wuhoo!! We ate at 313 somerset.. A shop called F.I.S.H.. A sub company of fish n co. if im not wrong.. I think soo ar.. Hehes.. We ate salad.. I ate salad?! Yeah! I did.. Wakakaka.. So much soo for usually complaining that its an animal food.. Wakakaka.. But was alright though.. Hehes.. For the main course, I actually ate some meditterean (don't know how to spell) fish thingy.. But not a fan of fish though.. Coz I hate that fishy smell.. Ahaks..

After that, we went on to cineleisure.. Hang around there.. Had a heart to heart talk with Ila.. Been ages since we been able to sit together and talk like we used to.. Things have changed and we gotta accept that.. Sometimes, I hate when things change coz.. I don't know.. Just hate that feeling..

After those talk, we decided to catch a movie.. Ila offered to pay for the cab fare.. But I had plans with my lil bro.. Thought of lepak-ing.. So, sms-ed him and asked if he would like to join us.. And soo.. The 3 of us actually went to watch the movie Changed Up!

It is a funny and superb movie.. Moral of the movie, just be happy with your life no matter how sucks you might think it would be.. Trueness!! Hahas..

After all that, Mirul and me we went off to lepak.. We had a great talk.. But, am not sure if the problem is actually solved.. But hey, just look on the bright side of life I guess.. If him and me are meant to be than it will be.. If not, I just heed to whatever outcome it will be..

Seriously speaking, already lost fairly enough people in my life.. And I don't think I would be able to handle that same shit again.. Soo yeahh.. But I'm starting to pick up things in life.. I have learnt that I would need to depend on myself.. Ever since my late bro gone, I thought that believing I have another bro, I might at least able to depend on him.. But, I don't think soo.. Situation just does not allow it.. Soo yeah.. I'm going back to where I first started.. Be happy and sad and whatever shit alone.. Hahas.. That's me.. =)

Anything for a bro..

2011-09-02T04:20:00.000+08:00

I'm a person who believes his bro than anything else. I'm willing to close my eyes even though I know its a lie. To tell you the truth, I even willing to die for a bro.

The reason why I'm feeling this way is because, I have lost someone who is dear to me. You may have a girl but not all problems would you be able to tell her, but with a bro, you able to share every single fucking things which you are just thinking off. Because, a bro usually understands you more than anybody else.

Dear bro,

How are you doing down there? Is everything alright? Hey, you don't have to worry about me yaw.. Cause, I perfectly fine down here.. Btw.. I think I found someone whom you said might pass by in my life and would be the one whom would understand me. Yeahh. Only after 5 years then I'm able to find it. Anyhoots, do take care aite! I will be much more busier in days to come. And I'm saving up to rebuild your home broo. I'm gonna plant beautiful flowers for your house. This, I promise you. =)

Take care!

p.s AKU TETAP RINDU KO SIAL!

First Day Raya House Visits...

2011-08-31T01:41:00.000+08:00

Its a joyous occasion for Muslims all over the world. A sense of congratulating and achievement of being able to fast the whole month. At the same time, it is when Muslims asked forgiveness from one another. Clearing sins and strengthen the relationship between them.

Behind all the smiles that I put on today, lies a heavy and sadness in me. I miss many people. But, most of them I could no longer see their smiles. I could no longer get to hug or even hear their voice. Cause they are resting forever. I miss them.

I know I must move on and be happy for them. Life is short and we got to make the best out of it. But, everyone whom I knew are the people who always play a huge part of my life. I need them.

Even though I have great friends around me, but deep down inside, I still feel lonely. I myself is not sure what the hell is wrong with me.

I need to get back to be the lonely guy again. Prioritize myself. Because, everybody soon will be busy with their life.

Muhd Faezuan Shah!! You need to be strong! Stop depending on your friends. You need to depend on yourself!

First Day Of Raya!

2011-08-30T04:26:00.000+08:00

Mass messaged everyone on my contact list. Wishing them the usual Hari Raya message. Was fun when imagining how would they react upon receiving my message. But guess most would just reply me with "Sial! Slamat Hari Raya Warden!" Ahaks...

Was watching Suria and other Malay dramas on the TV. Why is the show always about someone you lost? Like WTF seriously. I'm already missing my late bro like fuck and the show add more to my misery. I fucking miss him laaa fuck!

Would I be able to forget him? I doubt I can. Cause no matter how many years its gonna be, I would never forget him. He is my bro and that is the thing which matters. Can I just dig back your grave and then put some black magic to call you back? Hahas.. I know it would never happened lor!

The Day Before Hari Raya.

2011-08-29T22:43:00.000+08:00

I spent half of the day at school. Doing and config the program for the Major Project / Final Year Project. Was in the bus and I was reminded the times when I was still a freshie in Temasek Polytechnic. It was fun! Had loads of wonderful memories while studying at TP!

After that rushed to Yishun to have an haircut and highlight my hair. Thought of breaking fast at home, but was not able to due to the time taken to color my hair. Soo, off to Northpoint and ate Pastamania. Nice!

Seeing how happy Mirul is with his baby reminded me of her. Wondering how is she right now? How she celebrate her Hari Raya? Is she still the same person I knew? Did she started a family already? I wonder...

If I could only go back to the past, I would change back the wrongs that I have. I took things for granted. I missed those times. But as we grow up, people around us started to change. People tend to come in your life and go right after that. Sad but true.

Im very sad. My heart is heavy. Been sighing from just now. I swear. But we just have to move on!

I miss you bro..

2011-08-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

Hey bro..

I seriously miss you like fuck sia.. Its been 5 years or so but it feels like only yesterday.. Why do you have to leave so soon? Why must you stay soo far away not within my reach? I fucking miss you.. I swear..

I only wished and yearned for a glimpse of you.. Or maybe saying a few words or so.. Probably, hitting you and scold you and listen to your stories.. Was it too much that I asked for?

You have always been someone I respected and idolize.. Someone who keeps me going no matter how shitty life might be.. You always knows the answer to the problems that I faced.. Even with a smile on my face, you still could sense something was not right with me.. You could read me like a book.. I was not afraid of how difficult life might be.. Cause I know that no matter how hard I'm gonna fall, you would always be there to help me back up again..

You more than a friend that I have asked for.. A bro..
I'm willing to do anything just to get you back.. But I know that would never ever happen..

I tried my best to accept the fact that you are gone.. No.. You're dead.. But no matter how hard I tried to believe that, I can't.. Cause everything I do, is because of you.. You thought me everything.. You are the one who made me what I am today..

Bro.. Could you just visit me one last time? Ask GOD or the angel.. Just one fucking time is all that I asked for..

21.8.2011

2011-08-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

Today, had great time spent with Amirul, Irshad, Hakim, Mim and Khairi.. Watched Horrible Bosses with them.. That show was super funny!! But what it thought me was that Karma exist people.. Yeah.. If your boss is such a bitch, then Karma would definitely comes back and haunt ya.. Hahas..

Then, after movie, we went hanging out at Istana Park. After that, we decided to kind of go EXPLORE.. Hahas.. But nothing much happened that point of time.. Yeaaa.. Maybe the ghost were "MC" like what Mirul said. Hahas..
After walking, we finally reached at Raffles City.. Sit there for awhile and chit chat and bla bla bla.. Then, off we moved to the memorial somewhere very near to Suntec City.. Hang around there and finally we move back to the place where we first started.. We waited for the first bus so as we could go home..

As usual, Mirul and I just took the bus and dropped at Bukit Panjang.. Hahas.. Took cab from there and reached home..

It was a great and fun time being able to spend with them.. Im loving my life!

Day 1

2011-08-16T21:00:00.000+08:00

It was barely a day and Im already thinking about how they are doing right now?

There are 2 people in my life that I am way afraid which might happen to them.. Im not sure if they would be able to accept the current situation.

Nurfa.. By a mere chance, she got to be our mother. She got to be someone who have always been there for anyone. She would certainly help anybody who is in trouble without any doubts. She is a great friend indeed. I thank her for letting me to know her. Thank her for sharing me with everything. Thanks a lot MUMMY! =(

Sisqa.. She may appear strong to you guys but she is not. She is the weakest girl if you truly know her. She not the average happy go lucky girl. But she is my sister. She went thru alot and she would certainly fight her back up. That's what I respect her most about. Her never ending fighting spirit.

I really wished that I would turn back time and just be with them. I realise actually I can't really move on without them. Its like a bird without her pair of wings. Not able to fly soaring in the sky.

What's done is done. There is no point of turning back. Fuck! I hate my life now. =((

Blog again..

2011-08-16T05:50:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. To think of it.. Its been ages since I last blog..

I'm back to blogging people!! Yeah!! Same reason to go on blogging..

Hey.. I've made alot of mistake.. Way alot.. I'm not sure if what important I'm doing is right or wrong..